Thursday, February 23, 2012
From Mourning Into Dancing Entry #4
My life, as of late, seems like a Hurricane with my mother's final days being the eye of the storm. I would be lying if I said it hasn't impacted me in ways I never imagined. I know its the grief - but I struggle some days with finding joy in the things I used to love doing. Trying to "live" and move forward as someone who you love, who has been part of your life since the first moment of your appearance on this planet is dying is sometimes more than I feel I can bear. Sleep seems nonexistent - I find myself roaming the streets of my community in the wee hours of the morning - praying and trying to turn this grief/sadness into something positive. I am also struggling with living in the now - so worried about tomorrow - afraid that those who I love so much don't know how much I care. The guilt is the worse - I feel the anger subsiding but the guilt is weighing me down like a wet blanket - guilt for being the son I was. I know that good will emerge - its the change occurring in myself that is the most terrifying and the one where you feel the most alone. Some days I question my ability to deal with this and find myself turning to my faith/God praying for larger shoulders to carry the burden and most importantly to find the gratitude in this part of my journey.